September 15, 2012

  • My parents are in love with each other. Which, I have realized, I am jealous of in many ways. I have no doubt that they love each other more than they love me. I have no doubt that I will never have what they have - 40+ years with someone who loves and supports them.

    I finished a book today that centers around a very sad, older couple. Their only son dies and they nearly lose each other over it. They separate and in the end they come back together. (It is not as formulaic and sentimental as that all makes it sound. It is nicely written.)

    This week has sucked in many, many ways. Bill and I have been fighting this week.  I am stressed out at work.  My birthday plans got all fucked up due to my husband being out of town unexpectedly and I was pissed.  I turned 42 on Friday and while the whole week was bad, Friday was supremely bad (husband out of town, kid out of town, other kid with activity clear the fuck across town in the evening, car trouble that ended up meaning that the car was irrepairable and I rented a car only to realize when I was trying to input my credit card on the Expedia site that my wallet was in the van that my husband took out of town, and then there was just the small shit like not getting to go out to lunch with my husband because of a huge issue with our mortgage that took up the entire lunch hour that we were going to use to try and repair some deep disappointments and then when I got take out for myself and got the pad thai with chicken?  Yeah, it came with tofu.  And you know, I LIKE tofu, but I ORDERED chicken).  People I needed to step up did not. People I did not expect to step up did anyway. And I listened to friends I can count on to be there. When they offered support, I accepted. On Monday I had a friend who took me to dinner and enjoyed my favorite movie with me. I had work friends who bought me a cake anyway when I grumped around and they made it a point to tell me how much they like having me in the office. I have exercise friends who reminded me that I am an essential part of a triathalon team this weekend. I have a friend who went with me to a football game when I didn't think anyone else would. I had a group of female friends who planned a brunch for me today and we sat on the deck on a perfect fall day and ate potato/leek quiche and drank fall spiced sangria while we enjoyed easy company and conversation.

    As I sat at the football game last night I noticed the couples. I always do. I see the moms and dads there together to support their kids at whatever school activity it is - even better is when the grandparents and/or aunts and uncles are there to support the kid. My kids don't have that. I don't have that. I feel isolated and strange in those situations. When a friend of mine found out that I was going to the game alone to watch my son play in the band she offered to come along. "You shouldn't go alone. And I like high school football anyway." It was genuine and loving. I said yes. We had a great time and surprised ourselves by getting into the game.

    My life is not traditional. I embrace it and reject it at the same time. I had a tough week and was reminded that my life is also pretty awesome and that is in large part due to the awesome people in it.

Comments (2)

  • Ugh, sorry you had a bad week, which felt even worse because it was your birthday week.  :(  

    I definitely feel like my marriage is my primary relationship. My kids say things to me like "you never get mad at Dave (dad), but you get mad at us," or "why don't *you* ask Dave if we can do ABC or if we can go to XYZ?  He never says No to you & he'll do whatever you want."  I don't know if that's entirely true... but I like to think so.  heh.  We don't have involved grandparents, aunts, or uncles, either, by the way, so the kids are all we have and we are all we have.  My kids may get annoyed that my husband and I are always a united front and I wonder if they will feel like you do about your parents.  Then again, I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me. :)  

    My husband and I were together 10 years before we had kids (together 26 years total) and we plan (daily, haha) for our post-kids life, but I think the shared past is just part of it and even if you don't have a long history yet... the future term is still wide open. :)    You and Bill started out so strong and I know you have that foundation and possibility there. You can't control what someone else feels or wants, and kids/house/money/jobs have a way of getting in the way, but I guess I'm just saying... you can't solve it in a one-hour lunch.  

  • not being acknowledged on your birthday is horrible. Happy Birthday five days ago.
    it speaks well of you that you've built a network of people who make your life better even when the universe is conspiring to make it worse.

    sitting in the stands at a high school football game with all the parent groups in their cliques makes me feel like being in high school again.

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