October 30, 2013
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Terminal Disease
It has been one of the absolutely strangest weeks.
The part that is easy to explain (believe it or not) is that my daughter's friend committed suicide by jumping off a downtown building on Sunday night. She found out Monday at school. She goes to a small liberal arts focus high school of about 90 kids and they are pretty close. The part that freaks me out the most is that M was with her friend on Sunday night about an hour and a half before she killed herself. The child had a long, long history of depression and was receiving treatment. She had just been hospitalized and released. Monday evening was pretty stressful for all of us. M wanted to be with her friends and I wanted her to be at home. My son was uncomfortable about the whole thing.
The weird part about Monday is the continuing contrast between my professional life and my personal life. I found out Monday morning that I was selected for an advocacy award and then there was some strangeness at court with my husband who was late to a hearing and caused me a lot of alarm (I was there for my own client's hearing). We're separated, but still close. He practices law out of the dining room of our house (He lost his job in February and has been unable to find a new job. He has 2 cases and is getting paid for one. I don't know. It's complicated. And seems private? But it's a huge part of my problem right now. His mental health has taken him away from me and I feel like I made decisions about my life based on being a partner with him and the terms of the contract changed and I got no say in that. Would I feel this angry and sad if he developed cancer? or MS?). I brought him dinner Sunday night and knew that he was upset (about Lou Reed this time). When he didn't show up in court Monday morning I worried he had killed himself (he's attempted twice already). We had a sad exchange and then later when I learned about M's friend's suicide he made some really inappropriate comments. So on Monday evening I was parenting my kids by myself and trying to prepare for a hearing on Tuesday and felt incredibly lonely. The marriage contract included terms like, talk to me about my day (he doesn't even know I got an award), do the dinner dishes with me, listen to my concerns about the kids and the world and the crazy stuff that happens. And it's all complicated by the fact that I love him and worry about him very much. Sometimes I see a shadow of the man I knew and I guess that is why I stay connected. I have no desire to get divorced but living separately allows me to have some peaceful space. Monday I was reminded how much I need that space.
It felt like an absolute miracle that we all made it to bed by 10 and that everything got done that needed to get done - homework, hearing prep, dinner, candlelight vigil - and really it is the normal everyday stuff that gets us through tough days, I think.
Comments (1)
I feel like I've missed so much in your life. I'm sorry you're going through this in your personal life. Relationships are hard. I feel I'm at a turning point myself, but I don't know which direction to turn. My daughter's friend and ex boyfriend at the time killed himself when they were 14. It is still hard to think about it.