January 6, 2012

• Collaboration

  I have ongoing litigation with Enormobank who tried to foreclose on my client's home.  There are a multitude of loan servicing issues and the purchase of unnecessary flood plain insurance by the bank.  My client has been trying to resolve the issues on her own, which is the equivalent of banging your fists on the side of the wall of the bank.  You get a different person every time you call.  The loan servicing issues are CONFUSING.  And the flood plain bullshit was unresolvable.  This was a classic case of a person who had a period of temporary unemployment and really wanted nothing more than some very reasonable help.

  So she was facing foreclosure and I got an injunction to stop that.  Enormo Bank is represented by attorneys who make 4x what I make and they are morons.  They do discovery to ask me questions that I have already answered or that we have already discussed.  They filed a Motion for Summary Judgment which I won.  And now, over a year after I got the injunction, I get a one paragraph letter that says, "We would like to settle this.  What does your client think that she owes?"  And all I can do is laugh.  We could have done this a year ago if the fucking lawyers weren't so busy being lawyers.

  I consider myself a practical problem solver.  I am honest and I am not going to dick you around.  Here's my position, here's yours, lets figure out a solution.

  Because litigation is unsatisfying.  Judges hate hearing disputed issues and dislike warring attorneys busy pissing on every chair leg.  I work at the court house at what is called the Self Help Center and I have a stream of folks that come in with what they think are "interesting" custody cases or appeals over fence posts and it just makes my head hurt.  No one cares.  Really.  You two people who are disputing this problem are the only ones who care and you two need to come up with a solution.  You are not going to be satisfied otherwise.  I once represented a woman in a divorce and had a day long trial about custody, which I got for her, and then as we walked out and I was feeling really awesome and happy with what a good job I had done, the bitchy voice of my client landed me back on Earth real quickly.  "He's supposed to pick the kids up at 5:00 for his visit on Friday?  That doesn't work!  I work until 5 and then, blah, blah, blah..." this miserable woman bitched about the terms of the win.

  There's a famous Groucho Marx quotation about not wanting to be a member of a club that would have me for a member.  Sometimes I feel that way about my profession.

  • 11:22 am
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